I have a deep passion and commitment to the ongoing development of spiritually strong and emotionally healthy individuals, marriages, families, leaders and cultures, helping you achieve your God-designed and appointed destiny.
All in Holy Spirit
The coming and leaving of those we love, the experiences of love and betrayal, the witnessing of birth and death, care and indifference, generosity and stinginess can actually be our pathway to true freedom. All of these tensions can result in a deep, deep yearning for full freedom that is beyond the structures of our world.
Drinking the cup of Salvation involves emptying the cup of sorrow and the cup of joy, so that God can fill it with pure life.
Weeks ago, while mustering as much vulnerability as possible, I admitted to my husband that every time I attempt to slow down, this loud, accusing voice rises up within me. “You’re lazy!” it shouts. Shame and second-guessing immediately ensue, preventing me from making changes or stepping into slow and restoration.
“Cammie, that voice is your dad.”
It all began when I realized I’d had it all wrong. Way wrong. Although difficult to admit, I was tired of what I call “white-knuckling” my relationship with Jesus – trying to be who I thought He wanted me to be and what others told me I should be. Always falling short. Always filled with shame.
I’m good with feelings…the convenient ones, that is, such as joy, passion and anger. These emotions I can respect. They are straight up, clean and uncomplicated. These I can fit into my agendas. But more complicated feelings, that’s another story.
How long has it been since I felt like I honest-to-goodness heard from the Lord?
I can’t even remember.
It had been such a long time since I’d found that golden-Holy-Spirit-nugget-of-truth, jumping off the pages, bringing clarity, solace, understanding, even a surge of energy. For more days than I could count, it seemed as if I have been merely going through the motions, doing the next “right” thing, hoping that eventually there would be some type of break thru - that familiar, yet unfamiliar, spark that would once again ignite the passion within me to not merely “get through” another day, but rather seize it with a force of gusto originating from deep within my belly, knowing that I was on target to do what He’d called me to do.
I come from the belief (and experience) that friendships can be really, really good…or so troublesome that they make you want to hightail it to somewhere off the Appalachian Trail, completely off the grid, and live a life of total and complete solitude without TV, social media or Diet Dr. Pepper. It’s that’s serious.
I hadn’t asked myself what I wanted in life, my marriage, my pursuits, and as a woman in…well, maybe never. It seemed as if I had always piggy-backed on other people’s wants, needs and desires. As a good Christian wife and mother, isn’t that was I was supposed to do?
There I was again – too much to do and too little time to do it. Honestly, it seemed to be the story of my life these past months. You’d think with the kids grown and gone; I’d be getting more - not less - done. In the past it wasn’t a problem. I was practical a machine! Being someone with what seemed to be endless energy, each day would begin with a mental, or better yet, written list of all that needed to be accomplished. I always knew how much I could get done, almost down to the minute. I considered myself to a Time Management Master.
What is this source of conflict between frustration and exhaustion that happens when we attempt to muster with every bit of our strength, an offering to give to God that, by our standards, is both flawless and acceptable? Then when we fail (as we inevitably do), we spiral down the “Christian Shame Vortex”, giving up completely. “It’s useless. I just don’t have what it takes. I can’t get this thing right.”
When I walk…I walk fast. Not speed walker fast, but fast enough that some of my friends to refuse to walk with me. “Slow down!” they say. Really? What’s the use of walking, if you don’t walk fast? I mean, burning calories is the goal, right?
“To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself – means to fight the hardest battle which
any human being can fight – and never stop fighting.”
Why do we do it? Why do we compare? We know it’s a black hole. It won’t help, nor will it solve any issues. In fact, it makes issues much larger and bigger than they already are! So why do we insist on carrying on this love affair with comparison?
The blinders, which had slowly been building on my spiritual eyes over a timespan of at least 25 years, had been removed. I was finally seeing things clearly for the first time – I had become downright MILITANT in my daily quest to spend time with God – checking off the “boxes” of scripture reading, as if that alone would get me close to Him. In my quest to be disciplined, I had slowly, but surely, excluded God from a time that was intended for intimacy
The outcome of our willingly (and even knowingly) subjecting ourselves to everyone’s polished persona and comparing our lives with their pics (most of which have been altered or filtered), has resulted in nothing less than GRAND THEFT, stealing our confidence, self-respect, uniqueness, healthy body image, focus, and peace. For goodness sake, it’s even taken our money, as we’ve gone out and tried to purchase the life we’ve seen depicted on our phone screens!
Trust me – there’s a huge difference between “Get me a glass of water!" and “Would you please get me a glass of water?” The result of the latter being a glass of water; the result of the former being a death glance, possibly accompanied by afore-mentioned glass being thrown across the room (which may or may not have happened in our first year of marriage).
If we are to be effective in our mission and purpose, vulnerability and authenticity are required. We have to be honest, imperfect in living it out - flaws and all. We can't pretend to be superhuman or perfected in our execution of our mission - just authentic and real, flaws and all. The world has had enough fake. It wants real. This goes for the Christian community as well.
On several occasions these past weeks, I’ve heard many friends, acquaintances, and even a waitress or two mention looking forward to leaving 2017 behind, kissing it goodbye, kicking it to the curb, and boldly declaring “Good riddance!” I include myself in this group.
Yes, Christmas is indeed the most wonderful time of the year! But not for everyone. Christmas can hold thoughts, memories, and realities that are nothing short of painful. And as much as you attempt to join in the festivities, sadness and/or straight up depression seem to chase you through the season much like a lion in pursuit to devour his prey. Running as fast as you can, you’re actually breathless and overwhelmed with the possibility of succumbing to the very beast you know has been defeated by the birth of the One you celebrate.
Crappy stuff has happened. Thing’s haven’t turned out as expected. You’re holding on to every remaining ounce of faith you possess, believing that God is at work in the midst of it all. In fact, you know He is, because when you look back, you recall circumstances, events, and situations in which He’s orchestrated such happenings that cannot be chalked up to mere coincidence.
I was struggling for air, feeling as if I’d been holding my breath for ages. My heart was literally racing. I had that sick feeling in my stomach, which for me is indicative of shock, trauma even.
