Excluding God from Our Relationship with God
Hitting me like a ton of bricks, I felt as if the wind, both spiritually and physically, had been knocked out of me. How had this happened? When had pure desire and good intention morphed into mindless motion, religious exercise, and fear of failure?
As I sat, listening to others describe something very different than what I experience each day, I knew I had to get real - not only with God, but myself. Everyone’s recollections didn't resemble that of a routine or disciplined devotional time, causing me to realize…I was seriously off track. They weren't “checking off their list”, but experiencing intimate encounters, resulting in nothing less than pure, relaxed, and even effortless enjoyment of Jesus – in which you truly breathe in and experience a settledness that makes the rest of the world disappear, ultimately changing not only your day, but your life.
The blinders, which had slowly been building on my spiritual eyes over a timespan of at least 25 years, had been removed. I was finally seeing things clearly for the first time – I had become downright MILITANT in my daily quest to spend time with God – checking off the “boxes” of scripture reading, as if that alone would get me close to Him. In my quest to be disciplined, I had slowly, but surely, excluded God from a time that was intended for intimacy with Him.
As a result, I’d read through the Bible, in its entirety, at least 25 times. But somewhere along the way I stopped being with Him. Truthfully, maybe I’d never authentically been with Him. My desire for godly discipline had slowly transformed into dogmatic, militant self-control, causing me to now ask…what am I going to do about it?
About 5 years ago, in the midst of a conversation with our almost-life-long-mentor, Chuck, he gently asked me… “Cammie, in the midst of your very busy day, do you ever stop…even if it’s just for a minute or two…and ponder the fact that you’re God’s daughter? That He loves, even likes, you?”
Truthfully, Chuck, no.
The memory of this encounter with Chuck had came back with a vengeance. Once again, I asked the question...what was I going to do?
I knew it all came down to something I’d been avoiding, even running from, for years…learning how to be still in silence and solitude. I’d grown accustomed to using my drivenness and ADHD as a pathetic excuse to conquer this practice. “Every time I sit down to be still, the monkeys in my brain come to life!” was no longer going to fly. But still, I wondered, how is this middle-aged (ouch!) ADHD, driven woman, going to learn to sit, be still, and quiet her mind?
I can’t miss out on Jesus any more. This is no longer negotiable. I’m desperate to be in his presence.
When I think of the Old Testament and how each day of his journey, Moses went to the tent he had pitched in an effort to experience God’s presence, I am most assuredly convinced that this didn’t, at least initially, come effortlessly for him. I think Moses had to LEARN how to be in God’s presence, convincing me that I need to learn as well.
Author Leighton Ford states, “In perpetual motion, I can mistake the flow of my adrenaline for the moving of the Holy Spirit; I can live in the illusion that I am ultimately in control of my destiny and my daily affairs. French philosopher and mathematician Blaise Pascal observed that most of our human problems come because we don’t know how to sit still in our room for an hour.”
Through living in perpetual motion, even in my daily Bible reading (which, don’t worry, I have not decided to dismiss), I had excluded God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit from this practice. I had mistaken my adrenaline, brought on by discipline, as a visitation from the Holy Spirit. I had made it about me, my accomplishments, my drivenness and my efforts. I had excluded God from my time with God.
It’s going to change. I’m going to grow in this area. I’m going to relax. I’m going to actually enjoy being with God. I’m going to take time to love the fact that He loves me. I’ve already started. It’s happening. He’s working, and as a result, I’m changing.
Perhaps you know what I’m talking about? Perhaps you may experience this same struggle? If so…I invite you…relax, breathe in and out, experience Him, and most of all, enjoy Him.
Lord, forgive me for excluding You. Help me to genuinely and authentically experience both You and Your presence. Help me to learn how to be in Your presence. Settle my heart, my mind, my will, and my emotions. Help me to stop, even if it’s only for a minute here and there throughout my day, and literally bask in the fact that I’m Your daughter (or son), and that You not only love me, but you like me, and You desire to be with me daily. I acknowledge and understand that this is where true, authentic, life-transformation relationship with You begins…in Your presence.
