Silencing the Voice of Comparison - Part 1
Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from a woman by the name of Katie Dove. I first met Katie when I was about six years old. She was amazing! Looking back, she must have been in her mid-40’s. She had wild, curly, gray hair. She wore hippy skirts and flowing shirts. She was funky and she was fun! I had never met anyone like her - before or since. She was completely comfortable in her own skin.
Katie had a type of “traveling beauty consultant/hair stylist” service. She would show up at our house every few months to cut my and my brother’s hair. She became one of my greatest blessings.
Katie had me nailed the first time she ever met me.
She knew I had a problem with comparison. At that time, I remember constantly comparing myself to my older sister, who was nine years older than me, and who I thought was the most beautiful person in the world. I still do. She had awesome long, blond hair. She dressed really trendy. She had a really cute boyfriend. And she was extremely popular. I both adored her and felt little beside her, all at the same time.
As she cut my hair, Katie would say things like, “You’re really amazing!” and “You’re beautiful!” One particular time, I remember her whispering in my ear, “I know you think no one notices you, but that’s not true. You’re smart and you can do anything you want to.”
Why didn’t I believe her? Why did I have this inner need to compare myself to others?
When Katie was 94, I went to go visit her. It had been years. She was as gorgeous and amazing as ever. She still had the wild hair and the colorful clothes. She was just…older. She fell asleep a couple of times while we were talking, shaking herself awake and picking up where she left off. It was really pretty amusing. She was still full of wisdom, as well as spunk.
I decided to straight-up ask her, “What’s your secret? What’s kept you so amazing all of these years?”
Her answer was simple, and at the same time, extraordinarily profound, “I never talk bad about anyone, and I never talk bad about myself. What purpose could that possibly serve?” There it was. Katie never compared herself to anyone, or anyone to her. She was free. And that’s what made her so amazing.
Why do we do it? Why do we compare? We know it’s a black hole. It won’t help, nor will it solve any issues. In fact, it makes issues much larger and bigger than they already are! So why do we insist on carrying on this love affair with comparison?
Jack Canfield states, “I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness.” Well said, Mr. Cranfield. I agree. I think we all do.
But why can’t we stop? We compare ourselves in more ways that we can count – body image, hair, clothes, careers, finances, vacations, spiritual walks, relationships, positions, fertility, physical abilities….the list is endless.
We even justify it…”I can’t help it. It’s how we’re wired.” Maybe. Perhaps.
But my question today is…are we actually addicted to comparison?
Exacerbated by such things as Facebook, Instagram, television, and advertisements, comparison has actually become one of our nearest and dearest companions – that friend we immensely dislike, but are petrified to dismiss. Co-dependency is the hallmark of this relationship – as we lovingly, yet regretfully enable this viscous cycle of desperation, engagement, hatred, then remorse to overshadow our very existence.
Comparison is always there. If we don’t look for it, it looks for us. Do we even know how to function without it?
Just the other day I was at the gym. I’m on the treadmill, going as fast as I can manage, at an incline that is literally about to kill me. I’m doing my very best…when in walks this female, cranking up the treadmill beside me. I hear the belt rolling. It sounds like it’s going pretty fast. Then it happens…that little voice asks… “I wonder if she’s going faster than me? I wonder if I’m keeping up with her? I wonder…if I’m as good as she is.” Dang it!
Then it happens. I try not to, but before I know it, I’m glancing sideways, trying my best to go unnoticed, as I look to see how I measure up.
Yes! I’m going .1 mph faster than her. I’m ok! I’m not a looser! Sick!
But you know what’s really sick? That female beside me? She was 10 years old!
I’ve come to believe that because we’re human, and because we live in this comparison turbo-charged world, we’ll always struggle with comparison to some degree or another. When I was young it was my hair, my booty and my thighs, as well as how much I was liked and accepted. Although I’m now older, and even consider myself more confident, it's now wrinkles, physical fitness, financial stability, and whether or not I’m making a difference.
Although we may never be able to completely silence the voice of comparison, I do believe incredible victory can be gained in becoming COMPARISON RESILIENT. It’s possible and it’s achievable, as we disentangle ourselves from the web of constant discontent, to walking freely in liking, even loving, who we are…just the way we are.
With this in mind, over these next weeks (or maybe even months) I’d like to visit this topic of comparison. How do we become comparison resilient? How do we walk freely through life, celebrating who we are and who we are not? How do we transform into our authentic selves? And finally, how do we get off this perpetual gerbil wheel that’s gotten us nowhere?
Would you please join me on this journey? I can promise…it’s going to be both wonderful and exhausting, freeing, and at times, frustrating. But in the end…we’ll be changed from the inside out, enabling us to love, lead, grow, and befriend better than we ever thought.
As always, much love,
Cammie
