"Aint Nobody Got Time for That" - One Woman's Journey with Feelings

I’m good with feelings…the convenient ones, that is, such as joy, passion and anger.  These emotions I can respect.  They are straight up, clean and uncomplicated.   These I can fit into my agendas.  But more complicated feelings, that’s another story.   

A couple of years ago there was a YouTube video that went viral, in which a woman boldly declared, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” when describing her experience with a fire. To this day, I feel a bit of an undeniable kinship with her.  She’s bold and she’s passionate.  Like me, I think she might even be an Enneagram 8.  We might seem different in many, if not most ways, but one thing I know we have in common – we don’t mess around with that which we don’t want to mess around with.   

Having embodied this stance and approach to life since I was a little girl, controlling my environment the best I could, giving both my affection and energy to only that which I deem worthy and necessary, especially in the Emotional Department, somehow I walked away from childhood believing that giving in to my emotions would defeat and weaken me, resulting in losing control and my being at the mercy of others. 

Years of this have resulted in my morphing into this emotionally uncomplicated being, limited to being

Happy
Angry
Excited
Passionate
Enthusiastic
Irritated or
Frustrated
Compassion
Empathy

I can handle these emotions. I can manage. I can deal. I can control.

But complex, messy emotions?  Ain’t. Got. Time. For. That.

Especially sadness.  Sadness overwhelms me. I fear it could literally swirl about my feet, engulf my body, jerk me off balance, and take me out to sea, never to be heard from again.  

In that I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid, deny, exclude and restrict any and all feelings of sadness or melancholy, I’ve prided myself in possessing the ability to rise above, move beyond, and not allow sadness to slow me down for more than 30 minutes at a time. I’ve become a pro at denial, rationalizing it away with the skill of an accomplished artist,  painting over the mess with bright, lovely colors, causing me to forget sadness ever existed.

Moving away from people that you love to another part of the country?  No problem – just focus on the bright future and opportunities that await!

Mean, hurtful, or derogatory words come your way? Just get angry and/or annoyed – after all, they’re the unhealthy ones. Works every time!

Encounter someone who is destitute, hurting, victimized – channel any sadness, get busy and provide what is needed - food, clothing, a listening ear, prayer, or a hug.  You’ve got it within your power to do something!

It worked, like a charm, since I was a little girl.

Until it stopped working.

True confession…(and please don’t judge me)…unknowingly, looking back, I even used this strategy when we lost our first child to stillbirth.

I know that’s uncomfortable to hear.

Don’t get me wrong.  It hurt.  

It hurt, literally, like hell. I cried.  A lot.  I wanted to die. The worst experience I pray that I ever experience.  I remember being petrified that if I stayed in those feelings too long, I’d be sucked under.  Forever.  I was horrified at the thought of being a victim.  And in my young 20-year-old brain (yes, I was only 20!), I knew that wasn’t an option.

I couldn’t tolerate the sad looks. When someone pitied me, I became angry.  No one could say the right thing, do the right thing, or help me in the right way.  I was petrified that if I fully relinquished myself to the inevitable sadness, I would die. It wasn’t pride.  It was fear.

So, I decided to run. 

And I kept running.

For the next 12 years.

Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.  

The funny thing about feelings…you can run from, dance around, deny, or shove them aside, it doesn’t matter.  But if you don’t deal with your feelings, they’ll eventually deal with you.

They’ll have their way.  They won’t forget. Such was my experience 12 years later.

It all began with the death of our little dachshund, Sophie.  Cracks in the dam began to leak, eventually giving way to an avalanche of sadness.  

Convinced I would die from the weight of it, I believed I wouldn’t survive.  I thought I was losing my mind.  However, those fears soon gave way to the realization that although losing my lap companion was brutal, this was about so much more. It wasn’t just about a dog.  It was about the loss of my baby, Charles. It was about my never feeling the sadness of it.

 “Ain’t got time for that,” had lost its power.  

 Oh, wretched woman that I am!

The funny thing about connecting the dots of your life is…you have to slow down to connect them.  But when you do…the clarity is blinding.

My heart was broken.
I could no longer control it.
I was sad.  Really, really sad.
Sadness had come to collect her debt.  And she would be paid.

I have great admiration for those who possess the ability to articulate their emotional landscape, using vivid, colorful words to sacrificially offer you a glimpse into their inner sanctuary.  My oldest child has this gift. He obviously inherited this from his father.  

For me, 2020 began with a woman verbalizing such feelings of dislike and contempt for me.     “You’re arrogant!” she declared. “You think you’re above me!  I don’t trust you!”

Devastation didn’t even describe it.  The only response I could muster was “You wouldn’t say that if you really knew me.”

I went home.
I cried.
And cried.
And cried some more.

I woke up from nightmares in the middle of the night, hearing once again that awful accusation, “You’re arrogant!”  Devastating me over and over and over again.  

This was anything but convenient.

It was then that I realized, this was my opportunity to dig deep. Grow! Improve! Become the healthiest Eight that ever Eighted!  I would muster all of my courage. I would risk vulnerability. I would decipher and articulate my feelings. I’d figure this thing out.

I could do this!

So, I pulled out my Feeling Wheel (sad, I know, that it takes a feeling wheel), as my personal feeling vocabulary is seriously lacking.  I stared at it.  I prayed.  I stared at it some more.  I asked myself, “What is it that I am feeling? How can I better describe the hurt, the anger and the sadness?” 

I was determined I would find the right words.

It took time.  It was grueling. But I trudged on, finally coming to the conclusion that I was indeed feeling hurt, sad, devastated, angry and hopeless as a result of being seriously misunderstood.  And feeling misunderstood was something I had struggled with most of my life.  

 Baby steps.

So how do I wrap this up?  I don’t think I can, as I am a woman in progress.  A woman who at the age of 55 (ouch!) is still working on developing her own feeling wheel in the quest to increase self-awareness understand herself, make way for vulnerability, and conquer the fear of not being in control 100% of the time. 

However, I will say this.  “Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That,” doesn’t always work.  Especially in the feeling department.  Feelings and emotions will have their way in the end. Honoring them is honoring both ourselves and God. 

For far too long, we have been told “Feelings are bad!  You can’t trust them!”  With all respect, that’s just not true.  God gave us our feelings.  They are His gift to us.  Honor them.  Honor yourself.  Honor Him. 

It’s a process.  It’s a journey. And it’s going to take time.

Pull out your own feeling wheel, muster up your courage, honor yourself and feel.