No More Christian Shame Vortex - The Beauty of a Broken Hallelujah

I woke up this morning with a song playing over and over in my mind – Broken Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. Seemed fitting, as I’ve been struggling with faith that seems in question and praise that seems insufficient.   

Now before you get your proverbial panties in a knot, yes, I know this song isn’t theologically sound or one from which I would derive Divine answers for the questions swimming in my head. However, it does possess a certain raw and authentic spiritual depth, helping me put words to some thoughts of late, giving me permission and reminding me to quit doing the very thing that has attempted to strangle me most of my life – perform for God.

In my genuine pursuit to have a faith that is unshakable and unaffected by what is or is not swirling around me in the form of apparent circumstances, I’ve wondered…how many times, as believers, have we beaten ourselves up when faith seems to be a struggle?  What is this source of conflict between frustration and exhaustion that happens when we attempt to muster with every bit of our strength, an offering to give to God that, by our standards, is both flawless and acceptable? Then when we fail (as we inevitably do), we spiral down the “Christian Shame Vortex”, giving up completely.  “It’s useless.  I just don’t have what it takes. I can’t get this thing right.” 

Please tell me I’m not alone.  

Then I am reminded, from a secular song no less…since when does God expect perfection? Has He forgotten that I’m a flawed human?  Is it all or nothing with Him?  I think not.

When we place our own expectations of what faith is supposed to look like, it’s just that – our own expectations – our own human, pride-fueled, mis-led expectations – as if we could manufacture something that is perfect.

Hebrews 11:1 tells us that “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” When I read this verse, I admit, it seems unattainable.  How can I be absolutely 100% sure of what I hope for and do not see?  Is that even possible?  

Sometimes it’s easy for us to believe salvation by grace.  But sanctification by grace?  That’s another story.

However, in my humanity…your humanity…we come before God as imperfect children…who are deeply loved. We don’t have to perform.  We don’t have to be perfect.  We’re loved no matter what, because God’s grace makes up for all of our faults and imperfections.  His love covers all my sins and failures.  His grace covers my faith that is lacking and my Hallelujah that is broken.  He loves me, despite my weaknesses and all.   

I don’t have to perform any more.  It’s done. His grace makes up for my inadequate offering.  I no longer have to attempt to give Him something that is perfect.  He loves my imperfect offerings. He loves me just as I am. Why? As my wise friend, Anj, reminds me…He loves you, because He loves you, because He loves you.  He just does.  I can’t even begin to figure it out.  I’ve given up trying.

But this truth enables me to bring my broken hallelujah and my flawed faith, accompanied by my nagging doubt and fear of what the future looks like, to Him without any shame, guilt, insecurity or embarrassment.  

To not do so is a matter of pride, as if I could even begin to bring something perfect to Him. What I can offer is real and sincere, albeit lacking and in need. And that’s okay.  

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I learned to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my lips by Hallelujah

I’m laying my tutu down. I’m no longer performing. Exiting the Christian Shame Vortex. Show is over.

Hallelujah!