Our Journey - The Pink Elephant
This past week, we’ve had quite a bit of discussion regarding pink elephants. These animals of gigantic proportions are not confined to fairy tales, as they can also reside in rooms, gatherings, meetings and situations. These beasts, when denied or overlooked, can stifle, derail and destroy businesses, churches, and even relationships, causing great misunderstanding and frustration, offense and hopelessness.
I’ve discovered that pink elephants can also lurk within our minds, emotions and hearts, preventing us from clear communication with our Savior, as they prevent us from bringing our authentic selves to Him. The confrontation of pink elephants is one of the greatest tools we can use to ensure growth and health in virtually every aspect of our lives.
This past Thursday we received the long-awaited update regarding Stan’s healing and progress. Prior to the follow-up, I found myself fantasizing about how I would deliver the good news to everyone. I imagined posting a picture of Stan holding up his Life Vest, with the caption, “Thank God Almighty He’s Free at Last!” In my mind, I rehearsed the phone calls and text messages that would need to be sent. We even planned a beach trip for the next day, as we have not been all summer due to various restrictions.
The night prior to the visit, we discussed the different possibilities of news we would receive. Good or not, we knew that although God could deliver and heal Stan from all of his challenges, should He choose not to at this time, our love for Him and worship of Him would not change, but only intensify, as He is and will always be a good Father who has our best in store.
As we sat across from the cardiologist, he first described the improvement seen from the echocardiogram – no more congestive heart failure or aortic regurgitation! My heart soared! But as I watched his face, I knew more news was coming…cardiomyopathy was still an issue, and the ejection fraction (“EF”), which needed to increase to 35% in order to be out of the danger zone, had only increased to 25%. As a result, in the very near future, Stan will require a surgery to implant a permanent defibrillator within his chest. In the meantime, he has been cleared to return to work, using his body as a guide as to the pace that he keeps.
To be honest, we were shocked. How could he feel and look so much better if EF had only increased by 5%?! Immediately our minds kicked into gear, causing us to bombard the doctor with questions. As he patiently guided us through options, risks, what to expect, and his opinions of the course of action to be taken, once again we found ourselves thankful for this very gifted man.
Our drive home was quiet and reflective as we attempted to process the news. We discussed the fact that we were not mad at God for the outcome, and we still trusted in Him and His ultimate power. We talked about plans and options. And as we’ve done over these past months, we rehearsed what we were thankful for – no congestive heart failure, no valve regurgitation, a loving and caring cardiologist, and a surgery that will enable Stan to live a normal life.
Nevertheless, something seemed to be nagging me, causing my heart to race and my head to hurt. I became emotional, fighting back tears. And for some strange reason, I felt extremely guilty.
“I’ll admit it. I’m disappointed,” I heard my husband say. He'd done it! He’d gone ahead and identified the pink elephant – disappointment. We were disappointed that everything we had hoped, prayed and worked towards hadn’t fully come to pass. My response? A river of relief, followed by, “It’s perfectly fine to be disappointed.”
Immediately Psalm 34:17-18 came to mind - “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I knew that the Lord was near in our disappointment, as He had heard our cries each step of the way in this journey. I was reminded that He was near in our broken heartedness and He saw our crushed spirits. And I was convinced that although He may have a different course for us than what we would have chosen, His compassion and mercy are a river that will wash over us each step along the way.
A great sense of relief and peace filled the car, as we knew that identifying the pink elephant would allow us to sincerely open our hearts to the only One who could heal our hurt and disappointment, reminding us that being honest and real with God serves as an invitation for Him to respond with nothing short of the miraculous.
It’s now Saturday and we’ve had a few more days to ponder and reflect. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster at times. But funny enough, I’ve found myself thankful for the pink elephant, as now that he (or maybe she?) has been identified, I’m one step closer to a deeper walk with Jesus Christ. I’m one moment closer to my husband’s complete healing. And I’m just a bit wiser in preparation for the great future that He has in store for us.
So what's next? We'll keep doing what we've been doing with a plan of approach that addresses the spiritual, physical, emotional and nutritional, doing all that we can in our own power, knowing that it ultimately depends on His power. We'll continue to lean into the pain, seeking the lessons to be learned and a deeper relationship with Him. And we'll continue to wait for His complete healing of the man that I love with all my heart.
God is good. He is sovereign. He is powerful and mighty. He is our Abba-Father and He will cause our future to be brighter than we can imagine.
Thank you for your love, encouragement and continued prayers. We love you!
Cammie (and Stan)
