Parental Menopause - The Mother of All Transitions
(This article is for parents of children of ALL ages! So read on. You'll be glad you did!)
Last night both our boys called at the same time. One spoke to Stan, the other to me. Both called to tell us what was going on in their lives. Both needed to talk a few things through. In the end, both sought advice. It was nothing short of a miracle. I was once again reminded how God has brought all four of us so far over these past 10 years…leading us through what I call the Great Parental Menopause – that transition of two adults parenting two children, to two adults who happen to be the parents of two adults.
When we were in thick of this painful transformation, however, things were far from good. In fact, they were horrible. I remember one sunny Sunday afternoon, Stan and I were walking down the sidewalk in an area lined with cute little shops, stores, and a Starbucks. It was a beautiful day, but we were miserable. We felt like we were losing both our kids and our minds. We passed by a young mother of infant twins, having a conversation with an older mother of twins, just in time to hear the older mom say, “Don’t worry. It gets easier.” My husband then leaned over to me and said, “Then they turn into adults, and that’s when it really gets hard!”
Ahhh! The journey of parenting adult children! How the heck do you do it? Honestly, I thought raising our boys was relatively easy, at least compared to some of the horror stories I’d heard. Other than a bit of minor mischief (memories of shooting lemons through a potato gun into a hysterical neighbor’s back yard, or setting the neighbors palm tree on fire, come flooding), they never gave us much trouble. Once in high school, Adam received detention for dancing on top of a table in the cafeteria. I remember thinking, “Well, if that’s the worst trouble he gets into, I can handle it.”
Looking back, I realize I was extremely naive. I honestly thought that if our boys were fully grounded in their faith, character, and morals by the time they reached young adulthood, they’d be set for their future. My job would be complete and I could wear my “I’m a successful Christian mom” tiara proudly with confidence. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
No one tells you what to expect or how to handle the transition from full-on “You do what I say” parent, to the parent of a young adult who has his (or her) own mind, strengths, opinions, vision, plans, and way of navigating through life. No one tells you what to do when they make choices that you think are, well, stupid. Or decisions that you know will impact them well into their future…what do you do with that?! Not to mention when they tell you they’re not going to church anymore (just shoot me!) and you realize you no longer have ANY control!
I’m not going to lie…this is the most painful of parenting transitions. I desperately looked for good books, guidelines, rules, or even suggestions on what to do. Nothing. I found myself scared, confused and even angry. I was obviously doing everything wrong.
Just about that time, a good friend who was a bit ahead of me in this game, looked me in the eye with the most serious expression she could muster, and said, “Cammie, nobody’s asking you to quit being a mother, but you’ve got to change the way you mother.” Ugh! I knew she was right. But how the heck do you change the way you parent? I only knew how to do what I'd been doing all these years!
The journey ahead was filled with a lot of trial-and-error, apologies, and do-overs. We did the best we could. And I honestly believe Adam and Zach did the best they could. Through the process we’ve grown, messed up, learned from our mistakes, and seem to have come out the other end. We now enjoy healthy, loving, interactive, respect-filled relationships with both Adam, who is now 31, and Zach, who is 26. We enjoy time together, we give advice when asked, we often keep our mouths shut, we love each other well, sometimes we look the other way, and we honor and respect one another. And although we still navigate through difficult challenges, things are much sweeter. We've actually become a version of friends that I really like.
With this in mind, whether your children are infants, adolescents, transitioning into adulthood, or already adults, here are a few things we’ve learned along the way that can hopefully help you either prepare or navigate through the Great Menopausal Parenting Transition:
1) PRAY – It’s never too early or too late! Pray for your child’s future AND for the future of you and your child’s relationship. Ask God to give you wisdom, discernment and self-control in regards to the transitional times of your child’s growth and development. Remember, if you’re talking to your kids about God more than you’re taking to God about your kids…something’s wrong.
2) NEVER ACT SHOCKED – Whether their 2 or 22 – never, I repeat, NEVER act shocked! I’m serious. No matter what they tell you. Be honest and be truthful, but keep your emotions under control. The moment we react negatively, we’ve declared we are unsafe and they will stop telling us what is going in their lives for fear of a possible over-the-top emotional response.
3) SPEAK LESS/LISTEN MORE – When your adult child talks…listen. Seriously, don’t say a word. Let them finish their sentences. Keep your facial expressions neutral. Don’t give them advice. Don’t interrupt or talk over them. Don’t even cross your arms. Just listen. Didn’t we want them to listen to us when they were young? Well, they’re adults now. They want you to listen to them.
4) SUGGEST/DON’T TELL – Of course we have great advice to give! However, don’t throw it out there, unless asked. Instead of saying “You should ____” or “You need to _____”, try “Have you thought about ____?” Or “I wonder if _____ would work?” Approach is everything. It can prepare or prevent the receiver to actually receive. It’s all how we say it.
Now I realize the above suggestions won’t change everything, but perhaps they’ll change a few little things. That is my prayer for you…and me…that our parenting journey will be a bit sweeter,more enjoyable, and that one day, we’ll be able to say, “We made it!” Keep that tiara handy. You may be able to wear it after all.
