As parents, whether it's intended or not, we pass along certain values to our children. My parents did it to me, I did it to my children, and I'm sure Adam and Zach will do it to theirs. I love it when I get it right, and of course, regret when I see I've done it wrong. One of my greatest days as a mother was when one of my sons, at the age of 20, wrote in the Mother's Day card that he gave me, "The reason I read my Bible every day isn't because you told me to, but because I saw you read your Bible every day." Seriously...it can't get much better than that, can it? But, of course, there's so many things I'd go back and do differently as well. For instance, the "value" that you can't really relax until everything is done. Or that sometimes it's easier to cut off a friendship than work through the hard stuff in order to grow and restore. Although I believe I've come extremely far in both of these areas, and I believe my sons have as well, the value had already been passed along by the time I recognized the dysfunction and emotional unhealth that it produced.
Growing up, my parents also passed along many values to me and my siblings (there were four of us) - many good, and of course some that I believe were misinterpreted and taken on as an unhealthy value. As we were growing up, my dad constantly instilled in us (or maybe it was just me, as we seemed to be on the same wave length), "If you can't do something right the first time, don't do it at all." Now before you develop any misconceptions about my dad, please allow me to explain. My dad was one of the wisest, godly, caring, giving, loving and encouraging men that I've ever known. In fact, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I believe what first attracted me to my husband when I met him at the tender age of 17 was these exact same qualities that I experienced with my dad.
But my dad was a Driver, and what I mean by that is that he was one of the most disciplined, determined, I'm-going-to-make-it-happen-no-matter-what people that I've ever met in my life. His life was in order and he knew how to get things done. So hindsight, now being 20/20 (isn't that the saying?) what I believe he was trying to instill in his little tomboy daughter that was almost as determined as he was, but wanted everything done 5 minutes ago, was that it's worth taking the time to do your homework and figure out how to do it right, than jumping in without any forethought and making a mess of things when it's not necessary.
The problem is, however, I didn't take it that way. In fact, this has been a major topic of discussion in my life whenever I've gone to a counselor (yes, I fully believe in counselors. In fact, thank God for good counselors!). In contrast, this value played out in my life in the form of the perceived need or requirement of perfection. In my case, if I didn't feel I could do something right the first time (which was most often), I didn't even try. Why should I? I knew I wouldn't be able to do it perfectly, so why bother? And if I did try and didn't do it right the first time, I would fall into this pit of self-hatred, embarrassment and self-pity.
For instance - cheerleading - didn't make the team the first time I tried out in 7th grade, so I didn't try again. Debate team - even though I could argue most people under the table, didn't even try out for that team, for fear that I would make a fool of myself. And, finally, ministry - so many things, ideas, teams, positions, etc., that I never pursued, as I had convinced myself I wouldn't be able to do "it", whatever "it" was, perfectly. So, you get the picture. And the funny thing is, I've always admired those who had the courage to try and try again, even if they didn't do it right the first time. They were heros to me. I wanted to be that courageous, but didn't believe I could.
Sometimes I cringe at the use of the word "excellence," as I have observed that it's way too often interpreted as "perfection." Why is this? What causes this misconception of what is expected of us? Of course, there's that demon called Comparison, who literally beats us into the ground as we view others through rose colored glasses, without proper perspective. Then there's also Comparison's sister, Insecurity, whose best friend is Jealousy. Both of these girls love to take us out before we even think about getting out of the gate. And finally, there's Fear, who loves to aid Perfection in her pursuit of paralysis, as he knows that if we are free of him, as well as his companions, we are limitless, creative, brave and FREE.
So what's the solution? How do we become FREE of Perfection and her wicked step-sisters/brother? Remember the sitcom "Reba" from several years back? In the opening song there's a particular line that always jumps out at me, "What I am is who I want to be." I remember hearing that line many years ago when the show played regularly on TV. At that time I distinctly recall thinking, "That's me. I've finally come to the place where I can say 'Who I am is who I want to be.'" I realize that more and more, I wasn't as afraid to fail as I had once been. I was taking risks. I was trying. I wasn't comparing and I was happy for others when they succeeded.
How did I get there? Of course it was quite a process, as it involved becoming comfortable with not only who I am, but who I'm not. I had to get to a place of ease with the fact that I'm not the typical pastor's wife. I'm loud, sometimes obnoxious; I talk too much, and I'm waaaaaaay to honest and open for my own good sometimes. I'm not a good singer. I'm not extraordinarily sweet, and I'm certainly a bit unorthodox. I'm quirky, and sometimes I'm downright weird. I'm horrible at remembering birthdays and I struggle in my prayer life in a way that just stuns me to this day, although I have discovered that ADHD, and have finally admitted that this just might play a role. But I've also owned the fact that I AM kind, generous and sometimes funny. I encourage others well and I'm not afraid to find other individuals who can do things better than I can, then if it's in my realm of responsibility, release then to thrive and flourish. I'm not a perfect wife, but I'm a good wife. I'm certainly not a perfect mother, but I love my kids and I try my best. So, yes, I'm a pretty good mom. I'm not a genius, but I'm certainly no dummy. And best of all, I'm not perfect, but I love the One who is, Jesus, with all my heart. And I hope I love Him more than that tomorrow.
Getting to this point certainly didn't involve 10-steps or any other type of formula, other than, I believe, falling more in love with Jesus and little by little, disarming Perfection by giving myself permission to try my best, even if I failed. Another key component was getting off the merry-go-round of comparison and owning the fact that I'm not perfect, even laughing at my imperfections. Of course, I'm not 100% there. Failing now almost always involves a process of reminding myself that perfection isn't the goal, but TRYING is, and that every time I do try, even if I fail, I'm chipping away more of the misconception that it's perfection, or nothing else. This, along with my pursuit of daily intimacy with Jesus, which I hope increases every day, is what brings me FREEDOM from perfection, and will continue to do so. I feel like I'm on the right path.
So my encouragement to you is this...don't be afraid to try. Don't be afraid to fail. And certainly don't be afraid of not being perfect. As one of my mentors once told me, "Cammie, there will always be someone out there who is smarter, prettier and more talented than you are. Get over it!"
We can do this. We really can. We can support, encourage and bless one another. We can laugh at our own mistakes, setting the example for our sons and daughters to do the same. We can fail well, looking back at what we did right, and celebrate that we can learn from what we did wrong. We can celebrate, without even a hint of jealousy or comparison, when someone else gets it right. We can grow out of the need to be perfect, taking off the shackles that attempt to paralyze us in our pursuit of WHO God wants us to be and WHAT He desires us to do to further His Kingdom.
As always, I would love to hear your wisdom, insight and thoughts on this topic! I love growing from what others have learned. I hope to hear from you and I pray we walk in FREEDOM as we discover that "who we are is who we want to be."