"Being a Pastor's Wife is like watching your husband get the crap beat out of him in a boxing ring. You're outside of the ring watching the entire thing happen, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it." Chuck, our spiritual father and counselor had seriously nailed it. That was 1999. Stan and I were in the middle of the most difficult season that we had ever or would ever experience in ministry. We were bleeding, exhausted, disillusioned, betrayed, and quite honestly, seriously second guessing our profession. We were asking a lot of questions, some of them extremely difficult. For over two years I had "stood outside of the ring," and watched Stan take the brunt of the fallout in the church in which we ministered. It was brutal. Really, God? I mean, really?! What made it worse was it was the result of someone else's sin. We were just assigned to clean up the mess. I had allowed myself to pretty much fall apart - emotionally, mentally and even physically. I was convinced people were literally out to get us, allowing myself to become angry, fearful, defensive, overly sensitive, and overly protective.
What were we going to do? After much counsel, crying, and quite honestly, pitching a few fits, we decided to endure and stick it out. Although we felt helpless and knew we couldn't control everything going on around us, we realized the one thing we could control was ourselves. We got counseling. We educated ourselves about emotionally healthy spirituality. We read, attended conferences, and prayed...a lot. We pursued the art of forgiveness and we tried our best to surround ourselves with healthy, whole individuals who could help us on this journey.
During this time it became clear to me that most often you don't know you're in dysfunction, until your out. In otherwords, dysfunction and unhealthiness creeps up, little by little. That's exactly what had happened in our situation. Dysfunction will never come knocking on your door, asking permission to come in. It's sneaky, it's sly, and before we even know what's happened, we're smack in the middle of a mess, possibly not even recognizing that it's a mess! Our "normal" becomes tweaked, warped and tarnished, loosing sight of what true "normal" is.
There's also the possibility that a good, healthy "normal" has never been modeled, resulting in our inability to identify manipulation, intimidation and fear in those we're doing life and/or leading with. Whatever the case, whenever we're in the midst of such dysfunction, it's often impossible to realize it, until something comes along to literally knock the wind out of you and give you the clarity to declare "This isn't right!" This is when we have to determine...is the pain of making changes and getting out of this mess greater or less than staying in it? I can almost guarantee - the pain of staying in will be much greater. As our souls will never be at rest, knowing that God has a better way for us to live.
Please hear me - I am not insinuating that it's okay to get out of a marriage (unless, of couse, there is severe abuse. We can talk about that later). What I am referring to is getting out of the dysfunction. Stopping the cycle and the behavior. Getting yourself healthy instead of waiting for the other person(s) to get healthy. It's coming to the point of saying "that behavior is not acceptable," or "I'm asking you to NOT talk to me that way." Whatever the situation, there comes a time when we have to take care of the one thing we can control...ourselves. So having said all that...stay with that man or woman and do the hard work. Marriage is certainly worth fighting for!
In over 33 years of ministry, many times Stan and I have counseled couples, each of them waiting for the other to change. This causes the marriage to literally stall and even decay. But when one person courageously decides to take responsibility for themselves...delving deep to discover the dysfunction and unhealthiness in their own lives and leaving the other person in God's hands...the situation changes. Almost every single time.
It takes incredible humility and determination. As with Stan and I, we had to realize the part we had played in participating in and/or allowing dysfunction and bad behavior in those we did life with. We had to look deep within ourselves, instead of looking at others. We had to learn to love others well...even when we felt they didn't deserve it. Sometimes this involved our overlooking an offense. Other times it meant we stood up for ourselves. It also involved learning how to be honest with ourselves and with others, navigating thru healthy confrontation.
It was a process. A long one, in fact. A great deal of our healing involved discovering Peter and Geri Scazzero's material, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality," http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/ a literal game changer - personally, in ministry, and all of our relationships. And we continue to do the work, desiring and aiming to become healthier each and every day - spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally and in leadership. Sometimes it's a fight. In fact, most often it's a fight. Trust me, the enemy of our souls doesn't want us healthy!
Recently we found ourselves faced with a situation in which, years ago, we would have cried, panicked and felt sorry for ourselves, even feeling a bit victimized. This time around we talked, pondered, prayed, and talked some more. We asked God for clarity. He reminded us that this battle isn't against flesh and blood, but against powers, principalities, powers and everything that exalts itself against God. We determined we would fight spiritually, and that we would walk through this challenge in wholeness and health, learning, growing and increasing our intimacy with God in the process.
Obvously, I don't know the specifics of what's going on in your life...the good, the bad, the ugly. I don't know of any challenges in your life that involve relationships and situations. You might be incredibly healthy and all might be well. If so, enjoy!
But what I do know is this...no matter how out of control everything is, you can control you. You can make a choice to become wiser, healthier and more intimate with Jesus Christ each and every day. You can choose to grow. You can choose courage. You can choose to grow emotionally, as well as spiritually. You can choose to look deep into your soul, truly praying with all sincerity "Create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
You can do this. You really can. We all can!
