For a period of about five years, I helped create a weekly newsletter for a Women's Ministry of approximately 1,000 women of all ages and backgrounds, which I led in North Carolina, while on staff at a large suburbeon church. Leading and being a part of this ministry was one of the most exciting, challenging, uplifting, fun and exhausting jobs I have ever experienced. I absolutely loved it. In addition to being the "Pastor of Women's Ministries," I was also the Senior Executive Pastor's wife. Yea, there was a lot of church stuff happening around my husband and me - all. the. time. Sometimes it was wonderful and sometimes it was hard, but it was great. Really. We felt we were living out our purpose, and we were having a bit of fun in the process. Because as we know - if you're not having fun, you're not really living.
So back to the newsletter...each week one of my jobs was to write an article for this newsletter. Once again, I absolutely loved it! (I say "love" quite a bit, BTW). By writing these articles, not only did I rediscover a passion for writing that I first discovered in Mrs. Ethel Rhodes' 11th grade English class, but I quickly learned that writing allowed me to think, process, discover, ponder, explore and be really honest about different topics that many women were thinking about, but not necessarily talking about - some serious, some not-so-serious, some encouraging and some topics just vying for their "15 minutes of fame"on paper. A great deal of these topics had to do with God and our relationship with Him. Looking back, I think through writing I discovered a creative side of me that I didn't know was there.
Fast forward 6 1/2 years...I've found myself, along with my husband and 15 year old dachshund, Lucy, living in the Tampa, Florida area. Through a series of God-in-your-face events and encounters, we're both on staff at a large, thriving, exciting church - he as the Senior Excutive Pastor and me as the Pastor of Assimilation, which means I head up and lead amazing people with the God given gift of inclusion and encouragement, as they help others become truly connected into the life of the church. It's a great job for a girl who wants everyone to feel validated and included - because she didn't always feel that way.
So, we're loving life, keeping busy, and getting to the beach as much as we possibly can. However, somewhere in the midst of this exciting rock-your-world change, I'd found myself feeling a bit stuck, unfulfilled even. On top of missing our two boys, daughter-in-love and grandson like crazy, there was something else. Something I couldn't put my finger on.
It took me the longest time to even admit that I was feeling a bit, well, bleh. I'll even use the word "depressed". What was missing? And why in the world would I complain when there's a lot more people out there with a lot bigger problems than I have. Nevertheless, I had to finally admit. Something was wrong.
So being the no-nonsense, determined person that I am, I decided to do something about it. I started out with going straight to the top and crying out to God. Big time. I wept. I wailed. I doubled up on my devotional time. I tried to be more focused in my prayer life (which is extremely difficult when you have ADD). I read books about hearing God, re-wiring your brain, and even a book about the health of your gut and how it affects every single thing about you (by the way, it really does). I changed my eating habits. I even bought one of those essential oil diffusers that make your house smell like a Miami spa, filling it to the brim with lavender. I literally tried everything I knew. Nothing worked.
One particular morning, after dragging myself out of bed (thank God it was one of my day's off), I found myself boo-hooing to my husband. Big time. I hate it when I cry. Now Stan Wilson is an amazing man. In fact, he's pretty much almost perfect. He's wise and he's brilliant. He's funny and quirky. He's thoughtful and he's kind. He's genuine and he's honest. For heaven's sake, he even watches BBC period dramas with me! But there's one thing Stan Wilson doesn't quite seem to have entirely figured out - how to deal with me when I'm crying my eyeballs out. Nevertheless, this mighty man of God rose to the challenge. Using his best husband/mentor/coach/pastor skills, he walked me through figuring out for myself what was lacking in my life and was causing me to feel a dissatisfied.
Looking back, I don't remember the exact moment when the lightbulb came on, but at some point I remember saying, "I think I need to find some ways to use my creativity. I have no real outlet right now. I really miss that." It was at that exact moment I remembered a conversation I had 18 months earlier with a feisty, loveable Venezuelan prior to leaving North Carolina, in which she said, "I'll miss your writing. Please start a blog."Thank you, Jesus! Finally a little light had been shed! Not that a blog is going to fix all my issues, but it certainly was a piece of my puzzle. Thank you Jesus! Thank you, Stan! And thank you, Laddy Eakin! I felt like I was finally getting a bit of breakthrough.
Immediately one of my favorite verses came to mind - Hebrews 3:13 - "Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called TODAY, so that none of you will be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." And I realized...writing is one of my creative ways to encourage others, and be encouraged in the process. Writing gives me another avenue in which to express my honest feelings and thoughts in a way that may perhaps help others to do the same. Writing helps me explore my relationship with God - who He is and who He has made me to be. Somehow, it helps cultivate and grow my love for Him.
So, here I am on August 15, 2016 (I realize it may be a few weeks before this blog is fully ready to go), and I am writing my first post. Obviously, God's showing me many more things about this "bleh" feeling. And I can honestly say, it's really been a good ride, as I've been so desperate for answers. But sitting here today to write this blog....it feels, well, it feels really right.
Now of course, I don't know if anyone will read this blog written by a middle-aged, bleached blond who loves the Jesus, family, the beach, BBC, and grits, or if it's just meant to be something between me and God to help me grow, heal, learn and lead. But regardless, I know it's right. And it's feels good. Really good.
So, if you're willing and able, I would love for you to join me to explore more about this journey we are on. I'd love to have you walk along with me as we learn, grow, encourage one another and ultimately, hopefully, change and learn. It's going to be a great ride. I really think it will.